Letters To the Editor

Dear God,

I understand you are the editor of the Bible.

I would like to recommend a revision.

In Exodus 10.some_numbers, the Lord threatens Egypt with the plague of locusts.

Perhaps this shook appropriate fear in more agrarian times, before people could afford to or needed to loose weight. Now days though, we all rest comfortably knowing a few things. One, there are locust-proof foods, like twinkees, fruitcake, rice cake flavored cardboard and McDonalds. Two, it might be an easy way to loose twenty pounds. And lastly, Fear Factor taught us how yummy those locusts can be anyway.

So the threat of locusts is not nearly as frightening as in times past.

After the past week, I have an excellent recommendation for substitution.

Teenagers... with cell phones.

Yours truly,

A Captive Sharing a Cell, with Teenagers, With Cells

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I am sorry for my lack of updates. My captivity prevented my blog updates. Now that I think about it, I should have just dictated to one of the teens my blog thoughts for posting. They can type 50 WPM on their cells. (A feat to be watched should the opportunity ever arise.)

Don't get me wrong. I am not far from being a teenager. And I too sleep with my cell phone (it does vibrate after all). However, I do not get seven or more calls, all ringing some loud obnoxious song, between 1 am and 7 am, and I definitely don't answer everyone. They are not doctors. They are answering their phone to hear this sentence, "Man, I am so wasted." Now that is absolutely a have-to-answer-this call. I was captive in the room; I heard every word of the conversation. (Old people turn up the TV, young people turn up the music and their phones.)

I couldn't understand why they slept so much initially… and then I realized, as night after ringing night I was getting more grumpy, the reason they "slept" 12 hours is they spent 3 or so of those hours on the phone. Silly me, I was getting up after a mere eight. (No alarm clock needed, I would just get up whenever the first phone call after 7am came.)

After a couple nights, I emailed my parents and apologized profusely for being so intolerable.

My Dad wrote me back, "The Definition of Teenager: Punishment from God for enjoying sex."

At very least, they certainly are a form a birth control.