Trade Offs: File Under The Grass Always Seems Greener… (Chicago O’Hare, Feb 22nd, 2014)

There is a serious divergence, if not outright conflict, between the life I want to have and the life my friends want to have (or think is awesome).

My current schedule for the next month:

• February 23rd: Linz, Austria
• March 3rd: Munich (dinner with Gretchen)
• March 4th: Miami (brunch at some point with Jaylene)
• March 16th: Amsterdam
• March 17^th: Basel, Switzerland
• March 18^th: Marseilles, France
• March 19^th: Seattle, Washington (hang out with Kirsten and hopefully see Nikki)

And that is just the next month.

What I am missing for this work schedule includes an engagement party for Adam and Christine (congratulations Adam and Christine, so bummed I am missing the party) and Katie’s super fun bachelorette weekend at the happiest place on earth (congratulations Katie and Andy, super disappointed to be missing the festivities).

As I sift through Facebook, I see photo after photo of funny or dirty or mischievous or adorable children and listen to my girlfriends lament running from schools to lessons to play dates.

Everyone I interact with is jealous of my life. (I have started to wonder as friends cancel or can’t make time for me in the rare moments I am home, if there is not an element of hostility or jealousy behind bailing.) I feel the need to remind everyone the grass always seems greener in someone else’s yard.

In a previous post, I tried to point out that the grass is always greener. My friend Dan was quick to point out, “Yeah, but you could be eight-to-fiving in a cube.”

Yes. I could be. And I do chose to do this life over that.

But again, I am not sure it is worth the trade-off.

When I went for my MBA, I said to my Dad, “What if it is a complete waste of money (investing in tuition for an additional, expensive, degree)? What if I graduate, work a year then pop out and run after kids for the following ten years?”

He said, “Yeah, and what if you don’t?”

Here is the thing though. I did not feel getting an MBA precluding meeting someone and having a family.

I do feel my career now precludes meeting someone and having a family.

So I am constantly questioning this choice.

While yes, I do like racking up the frequent flyer miles, and stopping by to see friends in Munich, Miami and Seattle, I am reminded that each one of these four girlfriends has at least one daughter (Sabine, Meridian, Sigrid, Kate and Margo) and one also has a son (Soren).

I absolutely love my life. I love seeing so much.  I am exposed to so many things which that broaden my thinking and just plain fascinate me. I meet amazing people everywhere. I love counting how many countries I will see in a year. I feel worldly. I feel important. 

What I am not sure of, is whether it is worth sacrificing the potential of a life I feel I would enjoy more.

The problem here is with the word potential. (Here is where the data scientist comes out and the romantic sticks her fingers in her ears and sings.)

If I could say there was an 80% likelihood of meeting a great guy if I became a desk jockey, I would do it.

But I just don’t have the data. I am doing it blind.

The romantic in me says chose my plane seat assignments like lotto numbers. You never know, you could get lucky. The thing being, I have been choosing my seat assignments for, well, too many years, and I have yet to get lucky. (This is where the MBA says, don’t run after a sunk cost.)

I say this clearly hasn't worked; it might be time to try something else.

But this isn't like college though, where you can roughly determine the benefit of studying over partying on achieving the outcome you desire.

It is entirely possible for me to put in the drudgery and not achieve the goal. What if trying something else means being unhappy AND it doesn't pan out.

And here I sit… on a plane, to Chicago, thinking of the next month, with something like 40,000 miles scheduled, five European countries (an empty bed in each one), and the acute awareness that if I was hit by a bus, work colleagues I have never even met would, potentially a day or two later, upon my missing a meeting, be the first to notice I was gone.

Stupid: The conflict between enjoying life today and having the life everyone else aspires to, versus putting in the time for the perceived greater potential of achieving the life I want tomorrow.

Cool: At least I enjoy it today.

Cool Addendum: A week after being in Linz, Austria, I am pleased by how little my industry is. It has been a true pleasure seeing old friends again, Attila, Jas and Ulrike.