Empty? Really?

I got no email today. Not even spam.

I think that means I don't exist.

‘NOT’ ‘URMOMS’ ‘VANITY’ ‘PL8’

‘ORMAYBE’ ‘IT IS’

‘MYMOMS’ ‘NUVANTY’ ‘PL8S’: LOL

There R vanity PL8S 4 which only peeps under 30 should qualify. God forbid my mother’s next PL8S B “BLINGX2’.

Fall Is Here

Well, Fall arrived yesterday.

Friday it was warm and still.

Saturday it was warm… in those seconds between cold gusts of wind.

The light seemed suddenly different, a little more diffuse. (Perhaps partially from all the crap the wind kicked up.)

The wind rustles the leaves, dry leaves. Dry leaves make a different sound than lush green leaves. One sounds like the swish of a skirt on a pretty girl, the other like newspaper being balled up to pack away the belongings of someone who died.

I have light coming in my south facing windows, which I never noticed before, and definitely was not there during the summer. I am sure you are utterly intrigued.

I close windows before I go to bed. (Why hasn’t any one invented windows that automatically close when they hit a set temperature?)

The sun is not up when I get up at 5:30. (I take this to be a personal affront. How dare the sun not get up before me!)

It makes me nostalgic. I expect the nostalgia to last four days, then I am expecting the Indian summer to arrive.

This all sounds hilarious if you know where I live. The forecast for the next ten days:

Monday: Sunny 76
Tuesday: Sunny 76
Wednesday: Sunny 77
Thursday: Sunny 77
Friday: Sunny 76

(According to weather.com, not my forecast skills, which are probably equally good. I mean, worst case scenario, I might be off by a degree.)

It doesn’t say there is a 35 mph wind advisory, and that the damn wind is cold! As soon as you get your sweatshirt off cause you are baking in the sun, the wind hits, and you are shivering cold. It would be nice if it were cold or hot, and did not literally change with the wind. (I am such a CA weather snob.)

Oh wait, I said ten day forecast. Well, in all likelihood, just ditto those days for the following week. If you have ever seen the movie L.A. Story, you know how well this prediction works for Steve Martin playing a weatherman.

But I digress.

Fall is here. Just thought I would let you know.

Rules and Regulations

I am sorry; I have been remiss.

I have been busy helping a friend import rats into Manhattan. (Trust me when I tell you, this is no easy task from California.)

I tried to explain to her they already have rats, but apparently they did not have the right ones.

I wish I was creative enough to make this up, but I don’t have to… it is true.

I Forgot

My friend Dria is the type of person who if you didn’t love her, you would keep her around anyway for sheer entertainment value.

Today, she stopped at a gas station, began pumping gas and went into the station to get something to eat.

Returning to her car, she drove off with the nozzle still in her car, giving a good (and probably expensive) yank to the pump.

Now I know Dria, so things like this are not a big surprise. Nonetheless, she explained it to me, “I was so excited about eating my lollipop, I completely forgot.”

Love you Dria.

In The Category Of: You Can’t Make Stuff Like This Up Dog Shoot Owner in Self Defense

A Florida man, shooting and killing his dogs, was wounded when one of the dogs took matters into his own paws and shot his owner.

Unfortunately, the end score was owner three, dogs only half a point.

The man will be charged with a felony and the dogs will be sent to target practice, for better aim next time.

References:
http://rdu.news14.com/content/headlines/?ArID=54869&SecID=2
http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-puppy10.html

Cool: Bar Jenga

Jenga (A Hasbro game, see website Jenga)

Jenga

Drunk

With drunk friends

On an unsteady bar table

The tower was literally two feet high, if not higher before tumbling.

Even better was the interesting suggestions the Jenga blocks had. Handwritten on each piece was a suggestion, take off a piece of clothing, kiss a friend.

A good time!

Cool: The Ice Cream Man

I live in a neighborhood where the ice cream man comes by a couple times a day, on warm weekends.

I don't know why, but I absolutely love this. It has a 1950's perfect suburbia feel that just seems to smile and say, "Everything is wonderful. Would you like a nice, sweet, cold, ice cream?" (Picture this being said by a woman with a fifty's hair style, a narrow waisted dress that poofs out to the knees.)

The ice cream man is definitely cool.

Gym Exercise Only!

Can someone explain to me
The people who go to the gym
A half block away there are plenty of spaces
But they wait for a parking spot closer to the gym
So they can get on the treadmill
And run four miles.

Porñata?

The Erotic Piñata?

As much as I would like to believe I am creative enough to come up with stuff like this, alas, I am not.

A company in Encino, a city in California best known for bedrooms featured in a porn collection near you, is now offering Porñatas.

Porñatas, for those of you not familiar with the terms, are Porn Piñatas. I assume everyone will be comfortable with the term porn. A piñata is animal-shaped cardboard decorated with tissue paper, filled with candy and then held above kids wielding bats. The kids beat the shit out of the piñata until it breaks and drops all the candy.

Porñatas, made with the adult party in mind, make sinful that once wholesome sport of destroying a doll. The Porñatas can be naked men (Big Bad Budging Brian for example) or women (Devilish Debbie perhaps).



The dolls come empty. They can be filled with the obvious piñata pastime candy. Then there are the more lewd ideas. For a fee you can select an “add-on” (not to be confused with a strap-on). Add-ons include penis and boob toys and edibles. There are other ideas like condoms, props, lotions, etc.

It hardly seems right to beat dolls depicting limbless, defenseless people. (Yeah Yeah, I suppose I am oversensitive.) Nonetheless, it seems a bad omen if your date shows a little too much enthusiasm with the bat.
On that note, my friend Linda had a great idea for the next generation. She suggested that beating the doll with a bat didn’t seem the spirited way to get the candy out. She thought of a different method of “beating” it out.

Just a warning, I caution against confusing a friends bachelor piñata with your eight years old's. That might cause some friction in the parent circles, and not the good kind.

Reference:
http://www.eroticpinata.com